The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver is a very timely and research-backed book that outlines ways in which we can make the marriage work, and perhaps help with relationship anxiety that many are exposed to today.
With nationwide coronavirus lockdown, marriages have been put to the test like never before. According to Bloomberg, the biggest hike in the U.S. divorce rate was after World War II, when the returning soldiers were welcomed by wives, who had become accustomed to controlling their household by themselves.
On the same note, the lockdown due to COVID-19 evidenced an elevated divorced rate. ABC News cites forced proximity as the primary reason for divorce rates after the COVID-19 crisis.
The author John M. Gottman has very candidly stated in his book – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that happily married couples are not richer, smarter, or more psychologically astute than others.
“But in their day-to-day lives, the couple have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feeling about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”
What can make a marriage work is astonishingly simple!
The author implies that mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company is at the heart of his program.
Gottman’s psychological research has busted some of the myths about what leads to a happy and stable partnership among couples and partners.
Myths Busted:
Professional counselors iterate that poor communication between partners is the key obstacle to happy, lasting marriage. What they do not realize is communication is paralyzed in heated screaming matches. Very few people – maybe the Dalai Lama, are capable of being calm in magnanimous in the face of criticism.
Major differences of opinion will destroy a marriage. Gottman reveals a shocking truth: “Most arguments between partners cannot be resolved.” For example, Lila wants to have children, Chris on the other hand, has no interest. And the list goes on:
- Jamie always wants more sex than Lara.
- Sheena wants to bring the kids up Catholic while John wants to raise them Jewish.
- Roger always flirts at parties and Katy hates it.
Partners spend years and a huge amount of energy trying to change each other. But in practicality, the massive disagreements are about values and a different point of view for seeing the world.
Practical couples understand this and decide to accept each other.
Get a copy of the amazingly researched book to unleash other myths to saving a marriage or relationship!
Signs that couples may be on the path to divorce – if not soon then within some years if things do not change:
- Starting a conversation with criticism, harsh words or contempt.
- Stonewalling. This happens when one partner “turns off,” because he/she is not able to tolerate frequent criticism and defensiveness.
- Flooding. When either partner is bombarded with verbal attacks from the other. When someone is attacked, an increase in heart rate and blood pressure leads to the release of hormones, namely adrenaline. When this becomes too common, both members try to avoid the experience by disengaging from each other.
Ways to save a marriage:
According to Gottman, marriage is ‘shared meaning’ – each partner supports the other’s dreams, ambitions, and hopes. No one person should sacrifice to make the other happy.
“Genuine friendships are equal”
- Be familiar and interested to your partner’s world
Couples in strong relationships are in touch with their partner’s feelings and wants.
- Turn toward your partner
The moment when you stop acknowledging each other, the relationship is on its way out.
- Allow yourself to be influenced
This comes naturally to women, but men find this difficult. Happier marriages are those in which the man listens to his wife and factors into account her feelings and views.
As Gottman puts it : “ Better, Longer Lasting Marriages are those in which the power is shared”.
Why You Should Read the Book:
There are hundreds of books and articles on how you can improve relationships, but Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has the edge as its finds are backed by hardcore actual data.
The author, a psychology professor carried out a study based on over 650 real married couples over a 14 years period to understand and compile solid scientific data on marriage and the rationale for making it work.
Some of the people who came to his marriage classes were on the brink of divorce, however, after learning his principles their relapse rate back to marital misery was less than half the average for marriage counseling.